There Is No ‘Right Way’ To Be In Love
Love is different for everyone and cannot be painted with a single brushstroke
After nearly three decades of failed dating attempts, my experiences had led me to one seemingly undeniable conclusion: I needed to change if I was ever going to find (and hold on to) love.
Social media and popular culture have collectively shaped what many of us believe love is, how it should look, and how we should behave when we feel it. We’re brainwashed to believe that love has to be this overwhelming, insurmountable feeling towards another.
As a self-proclaimed “hopeful romantic,” I was no different.
But the reality is that love is different for everyone and cannot be painted with a single brushstroke.
Some love hard, deep, and passionately, while others love in moderation. Some want to find their mirror image, while others want to find the yin to their yang. All are acceptable forms of love because love is not “one size fits all.”
Some say, “I love you,” even when they are not sure if those words will be said back to them. Some say it only when they are positive their partner feels the same way. There is no “right way” to do it because there is no “right way” to be in love with someone.
Love is simple, complicated, agonizing, and exhilarating all at the same time, and it is the greatest experience we as humans will ever have if we’re lucky enough to find it.
Love is not always what you see in the movies. In fact, it rarely is. Love is a feeling, and it has no true definition. There’s no way to fully characterize what love is because love is different for everyone.
Love is not just about cute Instagram pictures or knowing your partner’s coffee order down to the cinnamon-sprinkled detail. Your relationship does not need to have inside jokes or disgusting amounts of PDA to be healthy and successful. Your relationship just needs two people who choose each other each and every day.
Love is not a series of milestones achieved by a certain age, and not reaching them when you had hoped does not mean you will never experience them. Love has no deadline. Love has no expiration date. And far too many people lose sight of that.
We spend too much time comparing our relationships to the timelines and perceptions of others and not enough time evaluating our own.
What matters in love is finding someone who takes you as you are, but inspires you to become a better partner and a better person. What matters in love is finding someone with whom you can have just as much fun watching a show on Netflix as you do going to a concert. What matters in love is finding someone you are willing to put in the work for, and who is willing to put in the work for you.
People give up on trying to find love because they have dated and failed one too many times. People give up on trying to find love because they are approaching 30 and think their biological clock will expire at the stroke of midnight. And worst of all, people give up on trying to find love because they believe they are unworthy of being loved.
I once had to admit to one of my best friends that perhaps being a 29-year-old, karaoke-loving goofball was not the ideal partner for most women, and had finally come to terms with the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life unless significant personality changes were made.
Call it coincidence or fate, but hours after that phone call, I ended up meeting the lovable goofball of a woman who is now my fiancée . . . at karaoke night, no less.
Being less of a goofball may have led me to find love earlier in life, but it almost certainly would not have led me to a partner I had previously believed only existed in the most idealistic visions of my mind. For that reason alone, I regret nothing about my pursuit of love.
Love is complicated enough as is, so do not make things harder on yourself by questioning whether or not the way you and your partner love each other is valid. There is no “right way” to be in love, so just focus on finding the way that works best for you.
